WAS WIR DENKEN, HAT SEINE FOLGEN.

The day in which something deep inside me broke.

.
Falling back
.

To avoid
.

crashing in the dark
.

HAVE YOU EVER?

Have you ever thought that I'm not this one?

Not my face, not my life, not my pictures, not my body, not my thoughts...

Have you ever thought that nothing I write here is for real?

Just a story, based on nothing, pure imagination, a mere style exercise...

Have you ever thought that is just an invention, an experiment?

And that you are my guinea pigs...

Have you ever thought?

...thinking is a miracle...

...believing is THE miracle...

TO STOP TO DREAM ABOUT LOVE

To stop to dream about love it doesn't mean that I will stop to love.
This is out of my possibilities and decisions, something out of my control.
To stop to dream about love it means something else.
Living the reality.
Observing what I have around.
Listening carefully to the people, trying hard to understand what they are saying to me without making my own movie.
No idealization.
No mystification.
No art.ification.
I know is gonna be a hard process. I'm too used to twist the world and words through my personal artistic point of view, escaping sometimes, other times just letting my mind floating with the clouds, reaching undiscovered universes, recreating, melting, replacing, mixing, dancing with my life.
I know it's dangerous even if it's wonderful...
The wonder of life, the wonder of art.
The wonder of love.



I know they are gonna say I'm cold, I'm different, I'm sad, depress, weird, strange, too quite to be A.M.M. This is what is already happening lately.
But is a process... and even if I don't know where it will bring me... I feel like to do it.

Too many mistakes in my past, too many representations of something that does not exist, of someone that is not the one, of another myself.

But, hey, take care people with the way in which you are gonna watch me, the words you are gonna use with me, the gestures and the touches...

As I already said, I'm ready to kill. And I will not use any violence, no...
I will just let my soul shine so brightly that everything else will become just dust.

ROT VOR WUT

I will visit your grandmother with you.
I will take a bath in your tab.
I will come to watch your rehearsals.
I will marry you.
I will cook for you.
I would like you to dance for me.
Don't go away, please.

Is almost three weeks that I don't see your face, your eyes.
It's true, human knows time and universe knows infinity...
But I'm human, indeed, even if I can feel the universe when I pray, when I meditate, when I make love.
The illusion of infinity. Illusion for us, because we will die one day.

Meanwhile I cooked for myself, I visited my grandmother alone, I didn't take a bath cause I often take a shower, and other friends were in the balletsaal during my rehearsals.
I didn't marry, lately....
I don't wanna marry lately... after the last relation I had.

Selfish?
No, I don't think so, I don't think this is the problem.... or at least not my problem.

Submissive?
Yes. Always. And yes... it's because I secretely like it.
It comes from my past, the real past, the one I don't remember so well... the one I never told to anyone.
Just few pictures, just melting memories.

This is the thing I'm fighting against, and I don't know if I will ever win defenetly, because we have things in our karma that will stay with us forever, and we must learn to love them and to handle with them.
Embrace your demons, indeed.

I still believe in all the things you told me.
I still keep my body untouched to be ready to make love with you.
I still try to use less drugs as I can, to keep my mind clear for you and for me.
And I keep on learning german in my free time, to be able to understand you.

Probably I'm just stupid, but I cannot say something like that.
Just the time will give me the answer.

And yes, it's quite sad to do this by myself, but I should learn to make things for me and then for the others.
To be just a little less submissive.

Universe knows infinity, but life is not that long and I still want to make love, to be wrong, to laugh out loud, to cry, to scream, to hug, to kiss, to dance, to run, to sweat, to cook, to eat, to sleep, to fight, to dream, to crash... with the people I love... with the one that I love.

Otherwise life seems to me just nothing special, just something I can let go so easily, so fast...
It's really not difficult to stop living, you know?
You just need a mountain, a bridge, a knife, some pills...
But this is another story, and it's not my story.
To be honest I never understood this story, even if it was so close to me.
But there are many things I do not understand.

But one is quite clear, even if it doesn't have a sense.

I love you.
A.

WHERE YOU AT?

As I stop, and take the time
To inventory, the inside of my mind
I realize, it's not as full as it used to be.
With images of justice, or desires of liberty
The world has changed, or is it me that's new?
A different set of morale's from a different set of clues
So still I wonder, is this all there is to life?
The ever changing cycles, in a world that's damp and ripe
There must more, yah my heart I hold to this
I've enjoyed love and I've seen the peace and bliss
But as you know, all things must end, except the need for faith
And the spirit that's within to keep you strong
Move forward with power, program yourself to feel
With depth enough to know what's up and heart to sense the real
Where you at?
As I stop, for the frame we set aside
Below the baseline a secret place awaits for us to hide.
To pass the time as the war goes on-and-on.
A post-apocalyptic sunset, a post-apocalyptic dawn
Of just a though of the world we want possessed
A place that wasn't honest was just a house with an address.
Of existence, wrought with fear and mistrust, a life inside a box
No life inside of us.
Find you soul, use your inner voice,
The road less traveled, is now the path of choice.
Realize, with time comes change
New attitudes, new values, priorities rearranged.
Move forward with power, program yourself to feel
With depth enough to know what's up and heart to sense the real
Where you at?

.★.★.★.★.TWO RAISED TO THE FIFTH POWER.★.★.★.★.

AND IF I WILL STOP TO DREAM

ABOUT LOVE

.

...........................I FOLLOW YOU.........ƸӜƷ..........

Oh I beg you, can I follow
Oh I ask you why not always
Be the ocean where unravel
Be my only, be the water and I'm wading
You're my river running high, run deep run wild.

ED ECCO CHE IL MIRACOLO SI COMPIE_____________ AND HERE THE MIRACLE IS ACCOMPLISHED________

.............MEIN SEELE - MEIN HERZ - MEIN KORPER...........

I do not understand.

In a little corner of my body something is screaming.

In a little corner of my soul something wants to free its wings again.

Don't touch my heart please...

...but...

What I'm going to do now?

I should start again by myself.

Again from the same point. Alone.

Until someone else will touch my heart again?

For what?

I do not understand.

Sand.

Sad.

THE POINT.

Often it may seems that nothing ever happens. We retrace the same streets every day, the same actions, the same errors, without giving us time to think, to try to understand the connections between things.How much of what we do, say, think, write, really belong to us? How much is merely a reflection of what we would like the others to see in us, to feel desired, loved, wanted, to have our place in the world?What you want from the others. What you want from yourself. What you see in the others. What the others see in you. What you want the others to see in you. What you want from yourself. What you see. What you want. What you let see. What you want to want.Then one morning you wake up and suddenly everything is different, or a night, any one night, so, without warning, everything shuts down. Darkness...Perhaps the man, the woman, are really writing a letter to someone ... but how hard is to find the tail of this story ... the tail, the end.That man, that woman, have done everything to last forever that love, continuing to joy, to extend as much as possible every moment of pleasure.Eternity, Infinity.The idea that the truth should last forever. True love, true art, the truth.True / False.The time that passes and transforms things, bending them, melting them, as the ocean with the stones.That man, lying on the bed, is thinking about when he was a boy, when everything was new, and he reposed confidence in everything. That woman is trying to understand what has changed in her since then, why she can no longer living things with such a spontaneity.The experience, awareness, knowledge, consciousness, life flowing, your life running, frantic.But where the hell am I going?Trips, people ,dances, lights, musics, phone calls, chats, messages, researches, words, images, connections, projections, reproductions, fictions, pulses, frequencies, vibrations, signals, signs, circuits, energies, fields and much more ... more ... because there seems to be never enough.Everything that we use every day to keep us busy, to not-think, to pretend, to not-know.How difficult is it to keep the faith once you discovered the deception of the truth, the illusion of forever. How to be able to be ourselves once we discovered how to be the best for the others, once you understand what others want from us.What you do, what you want, what you desire, what you believe. As long as something else comes, breaking in your life. And something else is over, forever.And that's what the man is trying to say, but he does not know how to do it, because those letters on the paper seem all wrong.To trust, the trust, be faithful. Put your faith in someone, something, illuminating it and making it eternal, even only for a moment, as long as that light does not change direction, or turns off suddenly.Am I ready to trust? Am I ready to be faithful? ... I do not know ...That man, that woman knows how difficult will be to keep the faith by themselves, to start over from zero, believing only in themselves.Perhaps this is where you decide to drop everything, the letter, the story, the man illuminated by the candle. You get up out of your bed and you go to open the window to smoke that famous cigarette. Outside you see nothing of what you're used to see, the windows of the neighbors, the street's lamps, the shop's signs, the headlights of the cars, the church tower, all gone, darkness.
Everything is off.If you have a bit of luck, you'll see the moon and the stars. Maybe you have never seen so many, or maybe you did, just  few times in the past, those rare times when you were away from everything, when everything around you was really switched off.And even on those occasions, as now, you've heard, loud, surrounding yourself, permeating the space, you have heard the universe above you, around you, so much that you have not been able to avoid to believe for a moment... to trust it.You know that nothing will ever be like before, you also know that is already since along time that the situation is like that, but how easy it was to wear the mask of yourself in the morning as if nothing had happened... recreating the same actions, expressions, words .Looking to the sky, you feel something growing inside you, something deep, a mixture of desire, will and love. Some would call it prayer, others would say it is a song or just a state of being. A dance. God or whoever it. Faith.Now you know what to do, you know what to say and who you're writing the letter ... you know how it will end the history of that man, of that woman.And here it comes, emerging from the unreal dark.The tail, the end.The end is forever. A point is forever. Everything else... is a miracle.

- MEIN KORPER - MEINE SEELE - MEIN HERZ -

Thanks to what happened lately, I must close myself even more.
To close, to survive.
No more dreams, no more love(s) or lovers, no more whishes or whims.


Nothing.

Just work, teach, learn, cook, eat sleep and pray.
Like when I was 20 years old.
But at that time I hade my reasons... I wanted to dance with all my soul. I had a goal.
Now I'm doing it just 'cause I don't want to soffer more than this.

2011 - TO CLOSE

Ok, ok, the message is clear, my life spoke to me barely. I'm gonna do it, but in such a way that anybody can imagine.
I'm going to show my best smile, I'm gonna be nice... nice... I word that I hate deeply.

Yeah... it's nice!!

I know that many people will not understand, I know that all my friends will be sorry for this, but I'm angry, I'm furious, and it's just my fault, yes, I know... once again.


And yes... I'm going to hide myself, like an animal when is sick...
I'm not sick, thanks God, but my soul is wounded, my heart is broken, since a long time... almost two years, and now is the time to heal it.


Is the first time I'm alone doing it... and yes... I know... It's a challenge (like I didn't challenge myself enough lately... (a bitter smile).
And yes, I'm ready to kill if someone wants to touch my heart again and then leave me alone.
Please people, do not touch it just for your personal pleasure. Please.


I am arrogant, I'm opinionated, I'm selfish, I'm conceited, I'm cocky.
Yes... and I'm ready to kill. To unleash my fury.

In a little corner of my room I'm crying too much, in a little corner of my body something is screaming, in a little corner of my soul something wants to free its wings again.


But this is not the moment.


And yes... yes... I'm defenetly crazy.
Aren't you?